Forgiving others: How do we do it?

Whenever my kids hit, kick, or yell at eachother, their mom or myself will remind the offendor to apologize and for the victim to tell their sibling that they are forgiven. The question becomes then, "Is that all you have to do to forgive someone?" Forgiveness is hard work, which is probably why it is such an essential part of love. If someone says something that deeply hurts or offends you, or maybe even physically harms you, what do you do exactly to forgive them?



Telling someone that they are forgiven means that you are committing to no longer harboring any anger, hurt, frustration, etc. against them. Forgiveness means you will not remind the person of what they had done or by any other means try to instigate guilt or shame from them because of what happened. We learned in the Expressing Love series that not keeping a record of wrong doings is part of what defines what love is. In order to do this appropriately, it requires great patience. Patience, not coincidentally, is also a defining attribute of love.



Share of a time that you were forgiven of something (anonymous comments are OK). How did it make you feel? Just think of what the world would be like if more people were actively forgiving others. To make the question smaller and more local, what do you think your community would be like if that were case? How about your workplace, or your household?

Suggested Reading: Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I am currently reading  "Love and Respect," after our church small group went through a workbook and DVD together based off this book. The book has helped me learn something profound. Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. I highly recommend this reading for anyone who has ever been in a relationship, plans to one day be in a relationship, has ever had a fight with a loved one, or who is married. Even if you know you want to be single for the rest of your life, you should still read this book.

Express Real Love, Week 4

Arguments with the ones we love happen all the time but have you ever found yourself dredging up old accounts of wrong doing or time that you'd been hurt or let down to help make a point? Maybe you weren't even honestly trying to make a point more than you were just intently trying to push some buttons because you were mad. Part of expressing your love to another person is deciding not to keep a record of their wrongs. In a sense, forgiveness. You have to show that person that you can forgive them which is different than just saying you do.



When you tell someone that they are forgiven, it somehow lifts a great burden off their shoulders, but maybe not yours. You might really still feel hurt or upset and feel that you can't argue or try to communicate that hurt because you basically just told them you'd forget about it when you forgave them. Forgetting and forgiving are not one and the same. Forgiving means not ever accusing the offender again. Forgiveness is a complete and full pardon. You can still discuss and talk about the hurt you had felt - you don't have to forget. What you have to control is the urge to throw it out and wield that sinful or hurtful act like a dagger in their face whenever you are angry again.



When you decide to hold your tounge or refuse to judge future actions based on past behavior (thanks Dr. Phil for the great phrase!) then you are building your relationship on a solid foundation of real love.

Expressing real love, Week 3

Expressing love Week1
How do we express real love Week2

Love is not easily angered.

Today when I read my verse (1 Corinthians 13) I got hung up on our next step in learning how to express real love. I read that love does not get easily angered. At first I thought that this was the same as saying love is patient. I have since realized that there is a good reason this was listed separately.

Over the past few days, I've noticed that while I am able to wait a long time for things to happen or take effect, I have been very short tempered with my kids. When I speak and act out of anger, I always say or behave in a way that is NOT how I would want my own kids to behave towards others. When my wife or kids see me quickly lose my temper, it makes them feel as though their entire world is hanging on a thread. On the verge of losing control.

Please don't get the wrong idea here, I'm not storming about launching objects in the air, but my yelling or harsh tone seems to come all too quickly these past few days and I know that it does not make my family feel loved. If you have found yourself in situations like these, don't beat yourself up or allow guilt to become shame and bury you. Remember, love always perseveres, and your family does love you!

I think there is a key difference between getting angry and becoming easily angered. Anger in general is a healthy emotion. If my kids were to throw a baseball in the house and smash my 50 inch plasma screen, I would be angry. Let's say your significant other completely blew off an anniversay date or birthday. Your feelings would be hurt and no doubt you would feel angry. the point is that there are certain occasions in this world where you can feel angery and it be justified or as it is referred to in doctrine as righteous anger.

Keeping cool in a tense moment is difficult to do for some (me included!) and it takes patience and effort to pull off. I have provided a link to a random sites I searched with tips on that I am going to try out this week and will post a follow up next week along with Week 4 of Expressing Real Love.

Share a time here on the blog or with your loved one, of a time you were easily angered. How did you overcome that? Or, share a time when a loved became quickly angered with you. How did it make you feel?

*Random Anger Management Site

How do we express real love? Week 2

"[Love] does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

If you have not yet read week 1, read it first!

Sometimes in life, we best learn what something is by learning what something is not. In this case, expressing love is one of those things. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. I am certain that many times in my life, I have felt or have been any three of things. Heck, I've probably been all three at once.

In The Message bible, it is put this way: Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Doesn't have a swelled head. Is it making a little more sense? You could group these three characteristics as "self focused." A person who is always longing for the things they don't have (better relationship, more money, cuter guy, bigger house, etc), is letting everyone around him know how fantastic and successful he is, and spending his time thinking about himself and his accomplishments cannot be truly thinking of others and their needs; he's too preoccupied with thinking of himself!

We have to remember to keep selfish thoughts under control. Its ok to want things. God wants us to ask Him for these desires of the heart and wait on Him. Let's be careful not to let these wants take hold of our hearts at the expense of the ones we are working so hard to show love.

Maybe you won't want to put this in the comment section, but what areas in your life do you feel you might be selfish or self absorbed about? What are some things you think you can do to redirect that attention to the significant other in your life?

How do we express real love? Week 1

Today as I read 1 Corinthians 13 again, I kept one question in my head that I hoped to gain insight on. How do we express real love to others? Over the next several days, we are going to take apart and examine the different components of love as described in this verse and try to figure out how to best apply it in our own lives. Think of what an amazing life you would have if you had the best understanding of how to truly show others that you love them.

There are so many misconceptions on how to express love. Spending all your time with them, calling frequently, saying "I love you" enough times, providing things, sex, etc, are all pieces of a big messed up puzzle that we have all spent time trying to put together in are own lives.

The first two elements are probably the most familiar. Love is patient. Love is kind. Can an abstract concept like love actually be patient? Or could it be that this verse is secretly giving us instructions? Part of showing love to someone is being patient with them and showing them kindess. I don't know about you, but I get antsy when I have to wait longer than 7 minutes in line for anything. Patience is hard me and chances are, its hard for you too. If I love you, I work the hardest I can at being patient with you and if I'm not having a good day or week (or year) at it, that's ok because if you love me back, you'll be patient with me.

Kindess is something I find harder to define. For me it is easier say when something is not kind that figure out what is. The key here is not that love itself is a kind thing, but that the act of loving another must incorporate being kind. I find it interesting that sex does not fall into either of those categories.

In the next post we'll look at what it means for love to not have envy and to not boast. My open question for you readers: How are these concepts of love different from you may originally thought about love to be?

What is Love?

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

The above is a contemporary translation of an excerpt from a letter written by the apostle Paul to a church in Corinth about a couple thousand years ago. I believe this to be the best working definition of all time for Love. The purpose of this blog is to help us all better understand the application of love. We'll explore at what love really is, how we apply it, how love is received, when bad things are said or done in the name of love, and how to respond to others around us in loving ways. I welcome feedback, comments, or stories from any and all readers who wish to share and will gladly link up to any who want to contribute anything at all.